Welcome to my first blog post! As a new #MommyBlogger, I thought it was only right to begin this journey with my birth story. The day my world changed forever.
Guilt is something no one prepares you for in the birthing books. I had read every chapter. Followed every timeline. Made sure to do everything as “right” as possible all throughout my pregnancy.
Around my 34th week doctors appointment my OB offered the induction option. He said we could do it as early as my 39th week “if I wanted to.” Being 5ft even, gaining 45 lbs and being in the heat of summer, did not make my pregnancy the most enjoyable experience and I was definitely getting to the “get this baby out of me stage.” I asked if I could go ahead and schedule the induction for the39th week regardless of the lingering worries I was ignoring in the back of my head. As you follow along and begin to know me better you will learn, I am a planner. A control freak. I think of every tiny detail and try to make arrangements for anything I foresee being of any importance…. this is what attracted me to the induction method.
The following weeks leading up to my induction I prepped the Dr. with questions.. they were all pretty much the same and went something like this “do you see any reason why the induction might cause me to have to get a c-section?” While I know that there is nothing wrong with c-sections and 100% appreciated the modern day approach to getting your baby out safely in the matter of minutes… it was not how I foresaw my first birth… I wanted the “gripping my husbands hand“, “deep breath in and out“, “feet in the stirrups“, “grab that baby and put him on my chest while still attached to the umbilical cord” moment… the moment that you mainly only see highlighted in social media or television these days. Each visit ended with the same answer, “your body is progressing how it is supposed to, there is no reason to believe the induction will cause higher risk of a cesarean.”
That put my mind at ease and allowed me to begin planning [controlling] the arrival of our baby. Out of town family made arrangements, my hair was scheduled to be blown out, my manicure was fresh and excitement started to rush in.
We arrived promptly at the hospital the morning of the induction at 2:30AM sharp. We were wide eyed and hyped to get in and have a baby by lunch! The receptionist called us to our room… I put on my custom gown, the nurse went over all the paper work, hooked my IV up and started the meds [pitocin- the medical version of oxytocin which tricks your body into going into labor]. The monitor grew mountains which I learned were my contractions… no pain just excitement… until, the Dr. arrived for his first visit. I was already 3cm dilated, it was time to break my water, he said. Almost immediately after my water broke, the mountains on the screens were no longer fun to watch due to the pain that accompanied them. I breathed each one in and out just like I had practiced and knew that with each rise and fall of the contraction, I was one step closer to meeting my baby. Contraction after contraction came and went along with hours. I needed to make it further before I could get my epidural… the Dr. stopped back in before lunch when he saw the amount of pain I was in, he okayed the nurse to call in the anesthesiologist. The few prick of needles were nothing compared to the contractions and before I knew it I was able to smile and relax [aka nap] for the first time since the night before. I knew I would need all the energy I could muster up before it was time to “push.”
Nurse after nurse came in and out for what felt like 100 times, hours passed and the pain started to weasel its way back in. Each time they checked me I was left with disappointment. My body was progressing but they needed the baby to come down lower. The doctor arrived back around dinner time… I was at 6cm. He okayed more medicine and I continued to labor. After a few more hours and a few more checks… it was like my body and baby just said “nope.” If I thought I was disappointed with the slow progression, I was crushed each time they said “still the same” before shuffling out of the room. The Dr. slipped back in. He explained in a few short sentences that my cervix had began to swell… this is something that could be caused by the size of the baby, the position of his head, the position of my cervix and I’m sure a million other things. The one piece of information I retained from it all was that there was nothing medically that could be done for the swelling.. he left me with “we will give it another hour, but should really start considering a c-section.” That hour was the shortest hour of my life. The guilt I mentioned earlier set in. I cried it out “I just feel like I rushed it.”
After some meditation, Ray LaMontague music and google searches, I requested just a minute with my husband. I felt defeated by everything and everyone. As soon as the door shut, the only words I needed to hear came out of his mouth “lets go get our baby.” I knew it was time and that I had to let that control go.
A new team of nurses rushed in, ones I hadn’t seen all day. They were unstrapping me, restrapping me, cleaning me, talking to me or to each other [I couldn’t retain any words being said]. It all felt like a dream from there to be honest. I was whisked into the cold, bright operating room. Conversations about everything except my baby was going on. I couldn’t talk, I could barely hear. The only thing I whispered out to the anesthesiologist was “where are my sister and husband.” I felt alone and needed them. They entered from the side a few moments later. Suited up. Ready to go.
What felt like an eternity later [but was actually only like 30 mins], my 7lb 10oz baby was held over the blue tarp. Brooks Thomas Caho [7.17.17 at 11:39pm] I felt the room stop as I stared at him. The guilt I felt, turned into a burning in my heart. I had never seen anything more perfect. They took him to get cleaned and I managed to follow him with my eyes around the room. My husband brought him over to me and placed him on my chest. Nothing else mattered. He was here, he was healthy, he was perfect. His arrival method made no difference and I truly believed that for the first time all day.
My husband was speaking to a friend the other day about our birth story and he said “I can’t believe with technology these days, that they haven’t come up with a better/safer way for a woman to give birth” Without even filtering I blurted out “they have, it’s a c-section.” Birth is birth. It is nothing short of a miracle what Dr’s are capable of doing. Every birth is beautiful and while, it isn’t the glamorous, birthing experience I always imagined it was the most amazing day of my life.
The guilt, loss of control and surprises of that day are sure to repeat themselves as I go through this parenting experience. I know it will take time and we will have our trials and errors but I would love to have you follow along to live those moments with my family and I. Teach me and help me. I will share what works and doesn’t work for us and look forward to hearing your opinions and thoughts on each. They say it takes a village to raise a child. I want to build my village, post by post! With each of you!
I‘d love for you to subscribe and follow my journey of juggling life while adding a baby to the mix. Comment below with your birth stories, good vibes or helpful tips.